Laughing

We all love to laugh. It has to be the one saving grace on this planet. There are a number of things that make us laugh, obviously each to their own. One thing that I think makes everyone laugh is the news. Why people do what they do can be mind boggling at times. Recent things that came to my attention include:

An ice-skating bear in Russia turning on it's trainer and killing him.

Complaints (in England) that a weight loss lip balm doesn't work (Yes I'm serious). Experts claim it's a gimmick. No shit Sherlock. Do the writers of this news need to go to experts to know that if you're a chunky monkey and put lip gloss on it won't make you lose the podge?! I mean are people becoming fat and stupid?! I tell you what, I know a great toothpaste that makes your eyesight better.......

The world's longest golf course opening in Australia....no not 8500 yards long, oh no. Try 850 miles!! Yes, I'm serious.

Real Madrid losing at home (nice one Ronaldo...well not that you were playing but anyways)

Barcelona losing at home (suck on that one Ibrahimovic)

Sunderland's classic goal against Liverpool- apparently all the beachballs with the Liverpool logo have sold out, hahahaha. Silly little northern kid. (look it up if you don't know what I mean)

Only in the states = 'fat-ism' should be made a hate crime. This includes telling Doctors not to advise fat people to lose weight!! Yes, I'm serious.

Boris Johnson who once promised to end London's congestion charge, now wants to increase it to 10 pounds a day. That's a whopping 3650 quid a year just to have your car in inner city London. Nice one Mayor.

The new 'naked' security scanner at Manchester airport that can basically see everything, yup, bits and all. This has caused controversy and those Paedo nut jobs have one again. It was in action for may be all of a week but now the scanner will not be used for under 18's. Why? Well its because it violates children, which provides indecent pornographic images (apparently). Are you serious?! For one, kids spend most of there time naked and no-one gives a shit. We aren't all paedos. I think with the number of Muslims/foreigners working at the airport, I think they have worse problems to be looking out for. My last flight from Heathrow involved me getting picked out from the crowd by a big turban wearing Indian who then full body scanned me. Yes, I'm sure it's because I look like a terrorist. I was going to ask if I could scan him after me. Guess that wouldn't have been the smartest idea. Where was I? Ahh yes, so no kiddy images, which by the way can't be stored or sent by computer anywhere. The terrorists etc solution? Give explosives/knives/guns/drugs to under 18's.......genius England, pure genius.

Well that's enough for now. I'm sure there's more stuff I've missed etc. Right now on the news over here they are showing the protests against BNP on TV. If you actually read the comments/thoughts of an ever increasing English/white population BNP vote, I think something big (and bad) is brewing. People are sick of being treated like Johnny foreigners when they are nationals. England is beyond being on its way out- me thinks its all but over for Europe's hole.

Some inspiration

Well it has been a while. Me writing a ‘real’ post I mean. The reason for me to start now? Well nothing in particular. I guess blogs are designed to be written to provide an ulterior point of view, to show a small window in to my life etc. Well yes I am useless at keeping in touch with everyone. Nothing is impossible (or so they say) yet letting people know where you are/what you are doing feels extraordinarily difficult.

I hear bits and bobs from back (not) home. I’m in the middle of a slight predicament regarding all my crap that I have left. The fact that every second I think about England paints an even worse picture than the one before really doesn’t help. I don’t want to go back, not even with a very big excuse! Historically it’s a funny thing- I mean nearly every country on this planet hates England, let alone in the modern world, being buddies with the good old US of A has further increased our popularity. I think times are changing, may be a huge uprising is on the horizon. There aren’t too many English people who actually like England. Whilst most bitch and moan about the state of the place, these same people won’t do anything about it. A threat to leave is as useless as a chocolate teapot, if you don’t like it, do something about it. My plan was to mass emigrate to say India, Pakistan, Poland, Hungary, errm…..you know the likes of countries, may be give ‘em a taste of their own medicine. Controversial? Hmmmm.

Anyways, the point being for those who don’t read this a mini congrats/thanks to at least my cousin (I think) Zoe for probably being the cleverest (is that a real word?!) person in the family (sorry Gary). My grandparents for their 50^th Anniversary (right or wrong?!). My sister for moving (does that warrant a congrats?!) Erm… probably the best, but a big shout out to my auntie Vi (technically or just one of those everyone female and older than you is an Aunt?!) who gave Johanna a happy 21^st birthday card, just some 7 years too late, haha. Brilliant.

Anyway, I digress. The big news was on that fateful last Monday, was mine and J’s 2 year engagement anniversary (yeah I know they celebrate anything these days I hear you say) as well as the already mentioned birthday of my älskling. I am not a hopeless romantic; I’m just hopeless I think. May be my heart is in the right place, but my ability to show such things is lacking. It’s always tricky to show someone you love them by well, splashing your money around?! Doesn’t make sense, very ironic, isn’t it that ‘the best things in life are free’ (lets agree to disagree). Anywhizzle (like most of today’s youth I can make up words too), I love you Johanna, you are the best thing since, oh lets just say something cliché like, well, sliced bread (seriously you are amazing though).

More about me I hear you cry, well thanks for asking, my PhD is going as any PhD goes, you spend more time realizing you know nothing about a lot. I will be giving my first lecture soon, my supervisor adding ‘you can do it in English if you want’. Erm, funniest thing I’ve heard in a while. I would be standing in front of 40 Swedes, opening line of ‘hej, jag heter Mike’….even a retarded monkey can figure that one out. Ok, seriously things are good, I have the potential to get my name on possibly 3 papers within the next 6 months, then really focusing on my own stuff (ask me questions if you really really really want to know how it all works).

A good friend over here has officially taught me how to become an alcoholic. Mr. Beyer has taught me how to open bottles of beer with a lighter or back end of a fork etc. Admittedly I have lots of red patches where the skin on my right hand is no more through failed attempts and slippage of my hand straight against the lovely metal edge of the bottle top (long sentence right?). But I’m pretty sure I’m a pro now, apparently my Master says you can do it with rolled up paper too, so that’s next weeks trick.

Well the last thing in my monologue, typically boring for everyone except myself actually. But I played the first competitive squash league match for oh around 4 years. Because there are only a few teams in each league, you turn up at the club (in this case was in Stockholm), 5 other teams arrive, you play 2 matches in one day then the next match is like a month away. Well yes I did win both matches, again thanks for asking. In fact (not blowing my own trumpet- or whatever the phrase is. That one sounds very very dodgy) I played really well. So much so, that the owner of the club (ok, didn’t offer me a lucrative squash contract worth about 5 quid a match) gave me the phone numbers of the clubs no 1 and 2, who turned out to be the no 1 and 10 in Sweden (respectively). She told me I was a ‘talent’, at first getting ready to give her a slap for being sarcastic, but slowly understanding the situation. To put it mildly (man I really sound arrogant now) I di*ked on my opponents (again, lovely terminology) inspired by new racket (shameless plug for a Wilson Kfactor Tour) and a point to prove. So I’ve got 4/5 years to get my ass in to the top 20 in Sweden, realistic?! Erm….lets just wait and see.

Ok, I’ve brushed the arrogance off my shoulders now. The main thing is that life is good. I’m sorry if I’ve wasted 10 minutes of yours reading this. Thanks to the people around me, thanks to my Adidas Stabil S’s, in limited edition grey (Oh sorry I thought I was a sports celebrity then, just putting my sponsors out there, you know, haha, yeah right). Ok, ok, I’ll stop being stupid now.

The snow is soon coming (well hopefully), I’ll literally get my skates on this year (well next too) and get my board(s) out for some good riding too. If you want to come over for a ski trip/ weekend/ not to see us etc please come over. I shall keep you informed of our antics. I’m tired so will end with a joke:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'

"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"

Another footballing joke

I've literally just gazed at the BBC sport website to see what's going (well in this case not going) on in the world of sport. Just stumbled across this crappy article: I now know why footballers get paid so much- it's because they are actors too, so they are doing two jobs at once. Check out Robin Van Persie's comments about 'not' diving:

Van Persie - I exaggerate falls

Van Persie does not think exaggerating the impact of fouls is cheating

Arsenal striker Robin van Persie insists he does not dive but that he does exaggerate his reaction to fouls.

When asked by reporters if he overreacted to contact, Van Persie said: "Yes I have done that."

The Dutch international argued that if fouled: "Then you are in the right to show in a way to the referee that you are pushed.

"That's not really diving. It's just saying: 'Come on, he just pushed me, so I can't score now.'

Van Persie's comments come after his team-mate Eduardo recently had a two-game ban for diving overturned.

Eduardo was initially suspended for two Champions League games after his tumble as he went in with Celtic keeper Artur Boruc earned the Gunners a penalty in the second leg of a Champions League qualifier.

The Croatia striker was fiercely criticised for appearing to dive but, after Uefa's retrospective action to ban him, Arsenal won their appeal after proving there had been contact between Boruc and Eduardo.

And Van Persie seems to suggest that if contact is made unfairly then it is justified to overreact to make sure the officials take action.

"You sometimes make a little movement with your arms or with your body," he added. "But I don't think that's really cheating.

"I never have the intention to dive. Just to play honest football. I am against divers. It is just not honest, but it is difficult.

"But sometimes you are knocked off balance a bit and it looks funny.

"For example at Manchester United, after the whole Eduardo thing, I had the ball on the right side and I cut it back.

"(Patrice) Evra gave me a little push - a really little one - but it sort of over-balanced me.

"I just fell down and the whole stadium started to boo me. I was like: 'Come on, can't you see he pushed me?'"

Squash

Well if I want to have a shamless plug on here, might as well be for something I like, check out this ever so slightly cheesy video (due to the American commentary of course) of something to do with Egyptian squash.

p.s. I don't think I can remove this crappy CNN link thing, but hey, corporate America rules (and all that shite).

Boring tennis

Despite tennis being a useless, overpaid, lets hit the ball back to each other type of sport, occasionally it gets interesting. With such epic moments as Serena Williams throwing a wobbly, the recent US open caught my eye. Mr. Roger Federer was going for his 6th consecutive title, however it went slightly tits up in the final. He got beat by only the second person in 20 finals (possibly Grand slam- my facts my be wrong). What was impressive was his semi final performance, leading to match ball. Most may have seen this, but even so, its a nifty shot to pull out of the bag....

All the small things

The question that keeps popping into my head is whether I should bother carrying on with this blog stuff. I'm not actually sure why someone would want to know whats going on, well apart from the fact I rarely email/never phone people. My life is busy busy, totally in a good way of course, so sitting down and thinking about something to write about takes more than you think.

Anyways, as usual, I've missed out loads of things, from Swedish crayfish parties to 5km team running events. Somethings I can't be arsed to go back over, but I'll try not to be so useless in the future at updating this (hmmm).

On that masterpiece of a post- I'm actually running an SDS-PAGE gel now, yes working hard on a friday and in tomorrow, so have nothing in my head apart from what's to come later- beer and sleep.

p.s. I'm forgiven because I played squash at 6.30am this morning- dedication right!!!

Funny advert

It's been more than a while, busy is the word. Hopefully I'll have time to write about something good soon. In the mean time, this advert is always on tv and is particularly amusing!!!