Ahh I could go on all day, everyday about football

Well well, I really am struggling to find anything good about this sport I once loved to play. This time however, poor old Marlon King (sob sob I hear) has really done it this time. What a tool (yes, how American of me) but really what a nob head. Check this out

Another classic is from a very clean KFC in London, read this.

Well it looks like I'll be getting the first riding of the season in about 3 weeks, going to Sälen.

Work is hotting up (in no way connected to the weather) and hopefully in less than 2 weeks I'll have my first paper printed (well I'm not first author, but still, my name is on the paper) : )

Not really anything overly funny, interesting to say. My new name at work is Ed. No, nothing to do with special ed (ucation in US) or dick head, or actually anything close. Basically, as I'm the only English person in my lab, I get the pleasure (yes, ahem) of proof reading everyones papers etc, as they assume just because I'm English that I am indeed a human dictionary and a fountain of knowledge of well, everything. Erm....hmmm. So this name comes from my new side job as the 'editor', or for ease on (or off I suppose) the tongue, simply 'Ed'.

Note. My other colleagues also have names (well besides the ones they were born with). We have Bob- this is based on my Professor saying this particular guy should stop body-building. Now this guy is pretty big but in no way a body-builder. So he inadvertently said 'I'm not a body-builder, more like just a builder.' So we went a bit further with this and obviously led us to Bob the Builder, or simply Bob.

We also have P. I'm not going to go in to details, but he is also known as Stinky P. Really, don't ask any questions!!

The former named Bro is now called X to the G. The only info I'm releasing here is that he is Chinese (no there is absolutely no taking the piss, racism, sexism, whateverelseism). Just simple names, completely innocent.

One guy opted for Pete (just as a random name). We told him only premature people are called Pete (yes, premature Pete.....seriously, you wouldn't believe how many people don't get this), yet the name has stayed.

In conclusion (haha, yes I'm in work mode still) I might legally have to change my name to Mike Sven Ed John Thorpesson. Kind of catchy, don't you think?!

Laughing

We all love to laugh. It has to be the one saving grace on this planet. There are a number of things that make us laugh, obviously each to their own. One thing that I think makes everyone laugh is the news. Why people do what they do can be mind boggling at times. Recent things that came to my attention include:

An ice-skating bear in Russia turning on it's trainer and killing him.

Complaints (in England) that a weight loss lip balm doesn't work (Yes I'm serious). Experts claim it's a gimmick. No shit Sherlock. Do the writers of this news need to go to experts to know that if you're a chunky monkey and put lip gloss on it won't make you lose the podge?! I mean are people becoming fat and stupid?! I tell you what, I know a great toothpaste that makes your eyesight better.......

The world's longest golf course opening in Australia....no not 8500 yards long, oh no. Try 850 miles!! Yes, I'm serious.

Real Madrid losing at home (nice one Ronaldo...well not that you were playing but anyways)

Barcelona losing at home (suck on that one Ibrahimovic)

Sunderland's classic goal against Liverpool- apparently all the beachballs with the Liverpool logo have sold out, hahahaha. Silly little northern kid. (look it up if you don't know what I mean)

Only in the states = 'fat-ism' should be made a hate crime. This includes telling Doctors not to advise fat people to lose weight!! Yes, I'm serious.

Boris Johnson who once promised to end London's congestion charge, now wants to increase it to 10 pounds a day. That's a whopping 3650 quid a year just to have your car in inner city London. Nice one Mayor.

The new 'naked' security scanner at Manchester airport that can basically see everything, yup, bits and all. This has caused controversy and those Paedo nut jobs have one again. It was in action for may be all of a week but now the scanner will not be used for under 18's. Why? Well its because it violates children, which provides indecent pornographic images (apparently). Are you serious?! For one, kids spend most of there time naked and no-one gives a shit. We aren't all paedos. I think with the number of Muslims/foreigners working at the airport, I think they have worse problems to be looking out for. My last flight from Heathrow involved me getting picked out from the crowd by a big turban wearing Indian who then full body scanned me. Yes, I'm sure it's because I look like a terrorist. I was going to ask if I could scan him after me. Guess that wouldn't have been the smartest idea. Where was I? Ahh yes, so no kiddy images, which by the way can't be stored or sent by computer anywhere. The terrorists etc solution? Give explosives/knives/guns/drugs to under 18's.......genius England, pure genius.

Well that's enough for now. I'm sure there's more stuff I've missed etc. Right now on the news over here they are showing the protests against BNP on TV. If you actually read the comments/thoughts of an ever increasing English/white population BNP vote, I think something big (and bad) is brewing. People are sick of being treated like Johnny foreigners when they are nationals. England is beyond being on its way out- me thinks its all but over for Europe's hole.

Some inspiration

Well it has been a while. Me writing a ‘real’ post I mean. The reason for me to start now? Well nothing in particular. I guess blogs are designed to be written to provide an ulterior point of view, to show a small window in to my life etc. Well yes I am useless at keeping in touch with everyone. Nothing is impossible (or so they say) yet letting people know where you are/what you are doing feels extraordinarily difficult.

I hear bits and bobs from back (not) home. I’m in the middle of a slight predicament regarding all my crap that I have left. The fact that every second I think about England paints an even worse picture than the one before really doesn’t help. I don’t want to go back, not even with a very big excuse! Historically it’s a funny thing- I mean nearly every country on this planet hates England, let alone in the modern world, being buddies with the good old US of A has further increased our popularity. I think times are changing, may be a huge uprising is on the horizon. There aren’t too many English people who actually like England. Whilst most bitch and moan about the state of the place, these same people won’t do anything about it. A threat to leave is as useless as a chocolate teapot, if you don’t like it, do something about it. My plan was to mass emigrate to say India, Pakistan, Poland, Hungary, errm…..you know the likes of countries, may be give ‘em a taste of their own medicine. Controversial? Hmmmm.

Anyways, the point being for those who don’t read this a mini congrats/thanks to at least my cousin (I think) Zoe for probably being the cleverest (is that a real word?!) person in the family (sorry Gary). My grandparents for their 50^th Anniversary (right or wrong?!). My sister for moving (does that warrant a congrats?!) Erm… probably the best, but a big shout out to my auntie Vi (technically or just one of those everyone female and older than you is an Aunt?!) who gave Johanna a happy 21^st birthday card, just some 7 years too late, haha. Brilliant.

Anyway, I digress. The big news was on that fateful last Monday, was mine and J’s 2 year engagement anniversary (yeah I know they celebrate anything these days I hear you say) as well as the already mentioned birthday of my älskling. I am not a hopeless romantic; I’m just hopeless I think. May be my heart is in the right place, but my ability to show such things is lacking. It’s always tricky to show someone you love them by well, splashing your money around?! Doesn’t make sense, very ironic, isn’t it that ‘the best things in life are free’ (lets agree to disagree). Anywhizzle (like most of today’s youth I can make up words too), I love you Johanna, you are the best thing since, oh lets just say something cliché like, well, sliced bread (seriously you are amazing though).

More about me I hear you cry, well thanks for asking, my PhD is going as any PhD goes, you spend more time realizing you know nothing about a lot. I will be giving my first lecture soon, my supervisor adding ‘you can do it in English if you want’. Erm, funniest thing I’ve heard in a while. I would be standing in front of 40 Swedes, opening line of ‘hej, jag heter Mike’….even a retarded monkey can figure that one out. Ok, seriously things are good, I have the potential to get my name on possibly 3 papers within the next 6 months, then really focusing on my own stuff (ask me questions if you really really really want to know how it all works).

A good friend over here has officially taught me how to become an alcoholic. Mr. Beyer has taught me how to open bottles of beer with a lighter or back end of a fork etc. Admittedly I have lots of red patches where the skin on my right hand is no more through failed attempts and slippage of my hand straight against the lovely metal edge of the bottle top (long sentence right?). But I’m pretty sure I’m a pro now, apparently my Master says you can do it with rolled up paper too, so that’s next weeks trick.

Well the last thing in my monologue, typically boring for everyone except myself actually. But I played the first competitive squash league match for oh around 4 years. Because there are only a few teams in each league, you turn up at the club (in this case was in Stockholm), 5 other teams arrive, you play 2 matches in one day then the next match is like a month away. Well yes I did win both matches, again thanks for asking. In fact (not blowing my own trumpet- or whatever the phrase is. That one sounds very very dodgy) I played really well. So much so, that the owner of the club (ok, didn’t offer me a lucrative squash contract worth about 5 quid a match) gave me the phone numbers of the clubs no 1 and 2, who turned out to be the no 1 and 10 in Sweden (respectively). She told me I was a ‘talent’, at first getting ready to give her a slap for being sarcastic, but slowly understanding the situation. To put it mildly (man I really sound arrogant now) I di*ked on my opponents (again, lovely terminology) inspired by new racket (shameless plug for a Wilson Kfactor Tour) and a point to prove. So I’ve got 4/5 years to get my ass in to the top 20 in Sweden, realistic?! Erm….lets just wait and see.

Ok, I’ve brushed the arrogance off my shoulders now. The main thing is that life is good. I’m sorry if I’ve wasted 10 minutes of yours reading this. Thanks to the people around me, thanks to my Adidas Stabil S’s, in limited edition grey (Oh sorry I thought I was a sports celebrity then, just putting my sponsors out there, you know, haha, yeah right). Ok, ok, I’ll stop being stupid now.

The snow is soon coming (well hopefully), I’ll literally get my skates on this year (well next too) and get my board(s) out for some good riding too. If you want to come over for a ski trip/ weekend/ not to see us etc please come over. I shall keep you informed of our antics. I’m tired so will end with a joke:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'

"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'"